We can talk about the world becoming a global village as much as we want. We can talk about cultures transcending barriers and merging. We can talk about our ability to adapt till we become hoarse. But let me tell you something: I have realised that a human life comes down to some basic things - the comfort of familiarity, bond and 'sameness'. There is a very famous song (the one which preaches 'don't forget the sunscreen') which says that whatever you do in life, you should always try to reduce the geographical distance between you and those who have seen you grow up... It's so true. Being the only child, I was always sort of rebellious. I wanted, longed to get out of Bulgaria and live away. And that came true. I can't be further away from my birth place.
The euphoria of 'difference' sustained me for very long. I loved the adventure. I loved the thrill. I felt like I was on this endless vacation, a wild ride. But when the years go by and life sinks in, you realise that noone understands you more than those who have been brought up with the same aspirations, with the same challenges or luxuries as you... And that noone will ever feel for you, see into your deepest soul corners, more than your birth family, and your childhood friends. However much you put on a show, they always know what is happening inside.
'AHA' moments, when this truth has hit me like a hammer:
- Tonight, drinking with my girlfriends - Steph from France, Karen from Belgium, Jill from the US (Sheerine from France was sick, and Kirsi from Finland is away on a vacation). From the outside, I am sure we were looking just like a bunch of spoilt rich firangs yapping away, complaining about maids, drivers, roads, airports etc. But I wish everyone the feeling of 'sameness' that I mentioned before, that I experienced tonight. I know that these women heard and understood everything I said, without thinking I am racist, without thinking I am coming from some sort of pedestal. They knew, because we are brought up with the same habits, values, dreams and way of doing things, very diffrerent from the realities here (not saying better, not saying worst - just DIFFERENT). And it is not that I don't find this sort of connection with my Indian friends, it's not that they are less precious to me. But put simply, these women understand 'where I'm coming from'.
- My mother coming to visit me. I know that she just has to look at me and know whant I feel. She knows what hurts me, what makes me happy... No questions asked. Even a simple gesture like putting a bag of mine away is filled of pure love... How can I even live away from her???
- In Sofia last May, leaving my aunt in bed, hurt in a car accident, before coming back to Bombay. I bursted out crying in the elevator. My husband and my uncle felt awkward. My cousin Kathy, just looked at me at reached out to hug me. No words exchanged. Just a simple gesture. She understood what I felt.
I love my husband. And I have a beautiful life in India. But with time I understand that I am destined to live with this huge void, without a crucial support and understanding I used to underestimate to badly...
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